Archive for Funny Blogs

Airport Rant

// December 27th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Blogs

I hate traveling. Sure, it’s great to get to your final destination, but the ends sometimes don’t justify the means… and no amount of chipper banter from perky flight attendants can take the edge off. No matter how often I travel or where I go, there’s the oldies but goodies that drive me out of my mind and straight to the airport bar.

1.    No power outlets. Anywhere.

Look. We live in an age where everyone is so reliant on electronics, we may as well have them permanently implanted in our skulls. From trying to squeeze every ounce of juice from woefully inept laptop batteries to iPhones that only last for 30 minutes because they’re working overtime to suck even the tiniest little signal out of AT&T’s shitty network, travelers these days need outlets. LOTS of outlets.

No Las Vegas, it is NOT okay that your entire airport is virtually devoid of any power source recognizable by man. Either share your incredible secret for magical electricity generation sans wiring with the rest of us, or install some fucking outlets in your walls.

2.    People taking up the entire walkway

This is a particular peeve of mine. We’re all trying to get somewhere here, folks. Just because you happen to be in less of a hurry than me doesn’t mean you can walk shoulder-to-shoulder with everyone in your little traveling entourage, blocking the entire aisle for people who are on a mission. Case in point:

Wheelchairs taking up airport walkway

Seriously. If you’re having some earth-shattering conversation, pull over and share your souls, *then* get back to walking. Otherwise, walk single file and get the hell out of the way.

3.    Cold water in the bathrooms

To all the airport-owning conglomerates out there: you’re already living like fat cats by raping and pillaging our wallets with overpriced and shitty airport food, charging an obscene amount of money for a crappy bottle of water, and sucking up credit card transactions left and right for 20 minutes of wireless internet service. Stop being so goddamn cheap and actually *heat* the water coming out of the bathroom faucets. I’m not asking for a lot here… but it would be nice to walk out of the ladies’ room without feeling like I’ve spent the last two hours treading water in the North Atlantic in December.

While I’m on the subject…

4.    Charging for internet access

Really? Really. If all goes well, I’ll be in your airport for less than an hour. But you want me to shell out 10 bucks for the privilege of reading my work email, so I don’t get fired and can continue to afford to fly through your lovely facility, buying your overpriced food and expensive bottles of water. I understand the “Kids these days” mentality of penny-pinching, airport-owning conglomerates, who see us normal travelers as spoiled children who just want everything for free. But let’s be realistic. I’m in a shitty mood because the flights are delayed, I just fought my way like Kublai Khan through a terminal clogged with people who inexplicably have decided to go on a Sunday stroll through the airport, and I’d like to decompress by deluding myself that I am back at the office. Which, by this point, has become a less stressful option than going on vacation. But instead, you want to charge me the price of two grande Starbucks soy caramel macchiatos for a little bit of sanity. Way to make me feel like Ma Joad, trying her damnedest to feed her family with shitty gristle because she’s out of options. Please refer to #3 above and stop being so goddamn cheap.

5.    Melodramatic Stress Cases

Okay. I realize that, at this point, this one will evoke a sort of “people in glass houses…” kind of feel. But when you think about it, if you’re an adult throwing a temper tantrum because your flight is delayed (again), you misplaced your carryon somewhere, or can’t get a window seat, don’t take it out on the rest of us. Throwing your bag on the ground in a dramatic display of defiance isn’t going to make the situation any better. We’re all in this together, so try to cheer the fuck up and make the best of an already crappy situation.

Safe travels, everyone.

Christmas Cheer

// December 25th, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Blogs

Silently laughing my ass off with key Christmas rant.At SLMAO.com, our mission is to make you silently laugh your ass off while you’re at work. We figure a few good silent belly laughs during the day, ducking in your cubicle so coworkers don’t see the tears welling up in your eyes, is a great way to have a little fun during an otherwise dull 9-5.

In our commitment to representing even those poor worker bees stuck working on a major commercialized American holiday like Christmas, we bring you the best Christmas rant, ever.

Read the full Christmas rant here.

If you’re fed up with all that “holiday cheer” caused by battling massive amounts of people, having travel plans screwed over by Mother Nature, or stuck at work while everyone else gets to sleep in and gorge themselves on massive amounts of food, you’ll get a kick out of this one.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good silent laugh.

Screw You, AT&T!

// December 25th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // Funny Blogs

Steve Jobs makes me silently laugh my ass off.Steve Jobs invented the iPhone. Have you heard of it? Well, he’s breaking some balls over at AT&T.

Okay, so it’s not really *the* Steve Jobs, he’s the Fake Steve Jobs. But he’s pretty much the coolest dude, ever, and has one hell of a rant for the executive warlords of the shitty network in charge of connecting iPhone users to the rest of the world.

Read the ass-whoopin’ in all its glory here.

If only Fake Steve Jobs could really get in his Gulfstream and slap the shit out of Randall Stephenson. I will hold onto that mental image every time I see one of those damn commercials featuring Luke Wilson lauding the potency of the shitty AT&T Network.

Yea right, douchebags. Tell that to my call you just dropped. In the meantime, I’ll be silently laughing my ass off thanks to Steve.

Ding-Dong Ditch

// December 24th, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Funny Blogs

Have a guy you’re desperate to get off the phone with? Next time try the Ding Dong Ditch!

Many emotions (desperation! fear!) start boiling up when a guy starts blabbing about how all girls are psycho, people think he is gay (but he’s not!), how he was homeless once, and the relationships past (all her fault!) Mostly, you feel like you are drowning.

How do you immediately get of the phone with a long (s)talker, without divulging any details about yourself? Fake poor cell service is amature. On the spot in said situation, I created the Ding Dong Ditch.

Anyone can master the Ding Dong Ditch. I  rang my own door bell to pretend someone had arrived.  Queue dog barking; ”ok, Gotta go!”  I hung up.

I actually threw my phone on the floor when I snapped it shut, like the phone was responsible for toxic creepy conversation (sorry phone).

I had lenghty apology in inbox re: blabbing on and on, he was nervous, and how when he gets to know someone is actually a great listener. Any ideas out there for how to ditch that?

Diversity Spotlight

// December 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Blogs

Hey, we all like a nice, diverse workplace. The more, the merrier, I always say. But some people just don’t know how to respect multicultural boundaries. For those who need a refresher course, perhaps this handy guide will help:

Handy Diversity Guide

I’m glad I found this in time… I was just getting ready to email Barack Obama and ask him if I could offer him some fried chicken or watermelon.

Facebook Revenge

// December 22nd, 2009 // No Comments » // Funny Blogs

Karma is a bitch. Especially when it happens on Facebook, and your brother airs your dirty laundry. Enter our friends at LOL Facebook Moments, and this kick-ass post that makes your embarrassing moment available to even more people.

People like us, who are silently laughing our asses off reading this.