Airport Rant

// December 27th, 2009 // Funny Blogs

I hate traveling. Sure, it’s great to get to your final destination, but the ends sometimes don’t justify the means… and no amount of chipper banter from perky flight attendants can take the edge off. No matter how often I travel or where I go, there’s the oldies but goodies that drive me out of my mind and straight to the airport bar.

1.    No power outlets. Anywhere.

Look. We live in an age where everyone is so reliant on electronics, we may as well have them permanently implanted in our skulls. From trying to squeeze every ounce of juice from woefully inept laptop batteries to iPhones that only last for 30 minutes because they’re working overtime to suck even the tiniest little signal out of AT&T’s shitty network, travelers these days need outlets. LOTS of outlets.

No Las Vegas, it is NOT okay that your entire airport is virtually devoid of any power source recognizable by man. Either share your incredible secret for magical electricity generation sans wiring with the rest of us, or install some fucking outlets in your walls.

2.    People taking up the entire walkway

This is a particular peeve of mine. We’re all trying to get somewhere here, folks. Just because you happen to be in less of a hurry than me doesn’t mean you can walk shoulder-to-shoulder with everyone in your little traveling entourage, blocking the entire aisle for people who are on a mission. Case in point:

Wheelchairs taking up airport walkway

Seriously. If you’re having some earth-shattering conversation, pull over and share your souls, *then* get back to walking. Otherwise, walk single file and get the hell out of the way.

3.    Cold water in the bathrooms

To all the airport-owning conglomerates out there: you’re already living like fat cats by raping and pillaging our wallets with overpriced and shitty airport food, charging an obscene amount of money for a crappy bottle of water, and sucking up credit card transactions left and right for 20 minutes of wireless internet service. Stop being so goddamn cheap and actually *heat* the water coming out of the bathroom faucets. I’m not asking for a lot here… but it would be nice to walk out of the ladies’ room without feeling like I’ve spent the last two hours treading water in the North Atlantic in December.

While I’m on the subject…

4.    Charging for internet access

Really? Really. If all goes well, I’ll be in your airport for less than an hour. But you want me to shell out 10 bucks for the privilege of reading my work email, so I don’t get fired and can continue to afford to fly through your lovely facility, buying your overpriced food and expensive bottles of water. I understand the “Kids these days” mentality of penny-pinching, airport-owning conglomerates, who see us normal travelers as spoiled children who just want everything for free. But let’s be realistic. I’m in a shitty mood because the flights are delayed, I just fought my way like Kublai Khan through a terminal clogged with people who inexplicably have decided to go on a Sunday stroll through the airport, and I’d like to decompress by deluding myself that I am back at the office. Which, by this point, has become a less stressful option than going on vacation. But instead, you want to charge me the price of two grande Starbucks soy caramel macchiatos for a little bit of sanity. Way to make me feel like Ma Joad, trying her damnedest to feed her family with shitty gristle because she’s out of options. Please refer to #3 above and stop being so goddamn cheap.

5.    Melodramatic Stress Cases

Okay. I realize that, at this point, this one will evoke a sort of “people in glass houses…” kind of feel. But when you think about it, if you’re an adult throwing a temper tantrum because your flight is delayed (again), you misplaced your carryon somewhere, or can’t get a window seat, don’t take it out on the rest of us. Throwing your bag on the ground in a dramatic display of defiance isn’t going to make the situation any better. We’re all in this together, so try to cheer the fuck up and make the best of an already crappy situation.

Safe travels, everyone.

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